You should expect Donnie Boy to have Twitter access again soon. Elon Musk — our resident Greater Value Lex Luther with a penchant for naming children after what appear to be slurs in the robot community — is expected to be the majority owner of Twitter by tomorrow.
If your immediate thought looking at this tweet wall of text was “Chris, I’m not trying to read all that, just tell me what this narcissist is getting at,” I am sorry to tell you that Mr. Musk’s Neuralink technology has already pre-empted your concern. He promises that his main motivation to buy the company was not profit, but to “[T]ry to help humanity, whom [he] loves.” It would appear that the cavalcade of Yes Men surrounding Musk failed to mention that this reads as the most ominous promise of benevolence since “We have a warrant, just come out with your hands up and no one gets hurt.”
While I do not know what Tweets Under Tesla™ bring, the leaves read that things will change.
Earlier this week, Mr Musk published a video of himself walking into Twitter’s headquarters carrying a sink, raising speculation about his aims for the firm.
“Entering Twitter HQ – let that sink in!” Mr Musk wrote.
In business parlance, “kitchen sinking” means taking radical action at a company, though it is not clear if this was Mr Musk’s message – he also updated his Twitter bio to read “chief twit”.
I’d assume that his helping humanity will look like Trump getting account access back and more of Kanye being openly antisemitic. In the same way that this Court reads the Second Amendment to confer a damn near absolute personal right to gun ownership, maybe Musk’s Twitter takeover is the next step in a Thomas-penned opinion that claims the First Amendment always intended to regulate the speech of private companies? Why not at this point? It seems like everything goes in this Mad Lib-esque news cycle.
We’ll be sure to keep you posted on Musk’s Twitter closing and everyone else’s exit strategies. Prepare that Mastodon account just in case.
Chris Williams became a social media manager and assistant editor for Above the Law in June 2021. Prior to joining the staff, he moonlighted as a minor Memelord™ in the Facebook group Law School Memes for Edgy T14s. He endured Missouri long enough to graduate from Washington University in St. Louis School of Law. He is a former boatbuilder who cannot swim, a published author on critical race theory, philosophy, and humor, and has a love for cycling that occasionally annoys his peers. You can reach him by email at [email protected] and by tweet at @WritesForRent.